I have now literally lost 8 lbs with http://apps.facebook.com/hcgslim/. Has anyone else used it? If not, I highly recommend!!

Mar-wage

So, some dude decided to get married to his pillow, which I find quite funny considering teh gays can’t even get married here. Okay, let’s be honest, I find it funny for a whole slew of other reasons, too.  I really wonder how that whole thing went down.  Did he propose to her?  Did he buy her a ring?  Was there a bachelor party?  And if so, were there friends at said bachelor party?  Who would be friends with a guy who marries a pillow?  Was it a shotgun wedding? What kind of food did they serve?  Did they argue over the venue?  Was her side of the church filled with a bunch of sheets and pillow cases?  Was her dress designed by Linens ‘n Things? How was the wedding night? 

Wait, don’t answer that last one.

Will they have any children?  What if it doesn’t work out and she finds him in bed with another pillow? Can they get a divorce? 

Anyway, there’s always that age old response for when someone says they LOVE [insert inanimate object here] of “Well if you love it so much, why don’t you MARRY it?”

I guess now we can.

-G.

Seriously?

So, funny story. My dad carpooled with a serial killer. I mean, he didn’t know the guy was a serial killer. He doesn’t just find serial killers and think “well that ought to be fun.”  He just carpooled with him without full knowledge of his extra curricular activities. In the same van the guy used to kill at least 12 prostitutes.

You always wonder, how does that happen? How does someone just hang around with some dude that goes around killing people and ride along in his murder van?

Turns out, I also paled around with a serial killer. The guy arrested for the murder/rape of the Poway girl? Tooootally went to high school with him. I was at parties with him. My best friend was driven to by him every day. The creepy part was, he wasn’t some loner weirdo you looked at and said “oh, yeah, that guy is going to rape and kill women later.” He was nice. He was well liked. When he raped and beat a 13-year-old in 2000 friends of mine testified that it could not be true because he was such a nice guy. And then he confessed. And now it turns out that he may have murdered two women.

So what I’m saying, is never trust your friends. They might like to murder people.

Today my students found out I have tumblr. 

“Oooh, oooh, can we follow you?”

Ha ha ha. No.

Today was also the last major event of the quarter.* Alcoholic beverages, please.

-G.

*We have a movie premiere event on Thursday, but pfft, whatever.

I’m currently reading Crime and Punishment for the first time.  It’s times like these I wish books were more interactive and I could just say to Raskolnikov, “Dude, killing someone just because you are bitter and have no money is not cool.  How about you get a job and stop being such a Whiney Bitch the Guy?”

-G.

Things I Hear My Students Say That I Wish I Didn’t…

“I’m pretty sure I’m living next to a meth lab.”

“Well, Asians have to get straight A’s otherwise their parents will beat them. It’s okay for me to say that because I’m Asian.”

“Hey, let’s do a condom flower fundraiser!”

“And so my roommate was like ‘you should totally sleep with him,’ but what she didn’t know was that I ALREADY HAD.”

Bonus: Unsolicited Advice from Students

“If you ever have bad wine, mix it with Tampico… so good.”

Mad Men

I’d really like to live in the era of Mad Men where I could believe electricity would stimulate exercise and I’d look like January Jones.

Stupid science and logic, ruining my life.

Instead I spend hours (reality, 40 minutes) every day on an a elliptical treadmill, going nowhere, because I have the knees of an old lady* and my joints can’t handle the impact of actual exercise.

According to Mad Men, the main benefit of the Relax-o-cisor is the fact that it acts like a vibrator.  This is why it “returns your youthful glow.”  I mean, not that I’d use a vibrator… I mean, that’s just like, so un-lady-like, and stuff.

What I find really awesome is the fact that you can actually buy one.  Yes, that’s right, for the low, low price of $249.95 you can purchase your very own weight loss vibrator.

…Or I could do just like they do on my other favorite show, The Wire, and start doing smack.  All the junkies seem pretty skinny… I wonder why they didn’t think of that in the 50s.

-G.

*My physical therapist has banned me from wearing high heels because they’re bad for the knees, but I’m like, “screw you physical therapist” and I continue limping my way through work.  That’ll show her good.